Thread: SWMBO has departed this mortal coil

Originally Posted by BobL

Thanks Matt,

This has all been big eyeopener for me - its like my self identity has been destroyed.
I used to consider my self strong, resilient, driven, confident, creative, innovative etc but these have all turned to water in the last 10 weeks.
A month or so back it took me 9 days to fix a simple power switch on a fan that I had fixed before.
I'd pick up a screwdriver and then put it down again several days in a row before I opened up th switch - then it lay open for several days, couldn't think about what to do
I doubt I would even pick to the screwdriver today.

I cannot even think of starting any sort of project.
My son has asked me to cut up some pieces of wood for him but nothing has come of it yet.
A mate asked me if I had a couple of short pieces of SHS steel but I pretended like I'd had a look and told him nope.

Bob,
It may have taken Nine days too fix something you probably would have done in your sleep, but you did do it, time is now not important, but pushing forward every day is, even just posting hear is helping you, we all miss your long threads about those things that really Suck in our workshops[emoji6].

Cheers Matt.

Originally Posted by BobL

Have approached a grief counsellor but fear its way deeper and darker than that this so have obtained contacts for professional help that I will look into next week.

I wouldn't combine the two different resources at the same time, I don't think. Perhaps start with a few sessions of grief counselling as a good basis and then go into some psychology sessions – and be aware that it can be a long road. Perhaps you may find a professional who does both (so a qualified psychologist who specialises in grief therapy). I wouldn't think a psychiatrist is appropriate, as they treat illness, and usually with a script pad.

I'd also be inclined to stay away from anti-depressants – for me they just distance the problem – I feel detached, but it doesn't go away. My considered opinion of them, having tried ~15 different ones over the years, is that they can help people who have a chemical imbalance (endogenous depression), but are useless for people who have reactive depression (like me).

If you are finding writing about Amanda somewhat therapeutic, then maybe consider writing a family history. My father wrote one of his side, and it's a wonderful resource to have, and I refer to it regularly. A deep dive into where you all came from, pics of Marble Bar etc.

Bob you are not alone. We may be some distance away, but we are hearing your pain and shouldering the burden. Its a hard road but you will come through this.

Thanks for teh kind comments

RE; Mental Health Meds.
I've seen what these did to my wife - they basically contributed to her death - so won't be going there.

I also won't be going anywhere near my wife's family history as several members contributed significantly to Amanda's mental Health Issues.

One of my brothers and sisters have sort of already written a history of our family, while it's a fascinating story I dont feel there's much more to explore there, well not for me anyway.

I'll just have to hang in there and hope I can ride it out.

This morning I took the dogs for a walk with one of my neighbours and her daughter. We walked down to the Swan river foreshore where the neighbours dad was sitting on a park bench waiting for us with coffees. Then we walked back to the neighbours place and had breakfast. Really nice and empathetic people - so luck to have these people so close to me.

I

Originally Posted by BobL

The only thing keeping me afloat is writing a memoir of Amanda and am up to 66 thousand words. Funny how I can edit this but can't read a book.

Bob, writing that memoir may well be the best thing you can do for yourself. Something similar helped me after losing my wife over 20 years ago.

The background to this originated during my Army service. One person in my chain of command took it upon himself to try to destroy my career and make life as difficult as he could for all of my young family. The strain that put on my wife's mental health, I believe, was a major contributor to her untimely death at the age of 43. I felt a deep sense of guilt for not being able to prevent her being dragged into the petty personal vendetta that was being conducted against me and was using my wife and children as pawns in his game. I also felt a lot of guilt for not fully understanding what was happening to her, mainly because I had my hands full dealing with how it was impacting upon me.

A couple of years ago, the Royal Commission into Veterans Suicide commenced and was seeking submissions from serving and former service personnel about treatment they had expereinced that may have led to suicide or suicidal ideation. I wrote up and submitted the whole story of how my family was impacted, including how it linked directly to my wife's untimely death. She did not directly take her own life but suffered a heart attack due to an eating disorder and alcohol abuse syndrom derived from the person in my chain of command abusing his powers and the ongoing affects this had on our lives.

Bob, you merntioned that your wife was suffering PTSD for many years. Mental health is something that was not openly spoken of until very recently and is still largely misunderstood. Don't blame yourself for that. You did as much as you could, I am sure.

The point I am trying to make here is that by sitting down and analysing the series of events over the 12 year period from when this person started abusing my family and the flow on effect up to the passing of my wife, as well as the subsequent ongoing suffering this caused for me and my children allowed me to gain a better understanding of how it all went down and just how it was impossible for me to have made any real difference in the outcome.

Writing that submission to the Royal Commission has allowed me to let go of a lot of guilty feelings that I had been carrying for far too long on behalf of someone else. I hope that you continue writing your memoir of Amanda's life and that it will allow you to focus on how events transpired and give you some release too. A lot of the things you are blaming yourself for would most likely have been beyond your control and not your fault.

Thanks Doug, most enlightening and instructive and very sorry to hear of your circumstances.

Originally Posted by doug3030

Bob, you mentioned that yuour wife was suffering PTSD for many years. Mental health is something that was not openly spoken of until very recently and is still largely misunderstood. Don't blame yourself for that. You did as much as you could, I am sure.

Well, yes and no.
Amanda suffered PTSD from events from her early childhood from what at first seem like almost trivial events, but depending on the person they can all add up. Of course I could do nothing about these at the time they happened but I should have recognised these later when she told me about them rather that dismissing them as unimportant.

Then Amanda suffered from repeated attempts at coercive control and misunderstandings from her family all through our married life up until about the last 10 years when we increasingly distanced ourselves from her family. Early on I did go into bat hard for Amanda against her family but that probably made things worse and I also started to avoid them like the plague (ie like finding excuses not to go to her family events - her family - her problem). Amanda felt like she could not avoid them so dutifully turned up every time they asked. These events all turned out to make things worse and also admit I was being selfish about it the whole time - Just wanted to avoid all the agro - what I did not understand was how serious this would all become later to Amanda's health.

Then Amanda suffered a series of bullying incidents over about 4 years at work which the higher ups did ZERO about - I urged her to leave but she felt like she had to stay to support her staff etc so she braved it out. This was rated by Amanda as her #1 trigger. Again I was selfish - all I wanted was peace and a quite life so let her ride it out but had no idea how serious this was impacting on Amanda. I should have pushed harder for her to leave. All the while Amanda was simply being prescribed heavier and heavier does of meds!

Then came a complex horse rescue event in the middle of a bush fire.

Finally her so called best friends let her down on what again might be seen as something trivial but it was enough to tip her over the edge.
I have to also admit my behaviour at times also caused Amanda some stress so I'm also not squeaky clean on this matter either.

The point I am trying to make here is that by sitting down and analysing the series of events over the 12 year period from when this person started abusing my family and the flow on effect up to the passing of my wife, as well as the subsequent ongoing suffering this caused for me and my children allowed me to gain a better understanding of how it all went down and just how it was impossible for me to have made any real difference in the outcome.

I have basically done this in the memoir.
Fact is I could have done more, much more. Hence MEGA guilt has hit me hard.
Also these stresses are now starting to load up on me.

I have written the memoir (112 pages so far) mainly while I can remember many of the good and not so good things that happened. It's the only thing I seem to have a purpose for at the moment so it brings me some temporary relief while I write it even though it also contains large sections on how badly Amanda was treated during her life.
When I stop writing I just seem to pick up the mood I was n when I started writing.

Just an update.
I am so desperate I've started to do some meditation (I'm not very good at doing it as my mind is a can of mushy worms) and it's helping a bit.
Am also started the process of getting professional help.

Originally Posted by BobL

Just an update.
I am so desperate I've started to do some meditation (I'm not very good at doing it as my mind is a can of mushy worms) and it's helping a bit.
Am also started the process of getting professional help.

That’s fantastic news Bob just stick at it.

Cheers Matt.

Originally Posted by BobL

Thanks for asking.

Unfortunately nope, my life has turned to $hyte and had no idea it could get this bad.
I thought I was doing more or less OK up until I found and read my Wife's (Amanda) metal health diary of the 23 Dec
Amanda had PTSD and I can now feel all her stress loading up on me

I am angry as heck with
- the mistreatment of my Amanda's metal health by medical professionals for 46 years
.

I understand Bob
The way mental health is delivered by so-called professionals in this country is pathetic
And the way people in general treat those with ailments like PTSD is equally pathetic
We need to lift our game in terms of how we help those with mental health issues
Society needs to be more compassionate and understanding

Saddened to see your pain Bob
Really hope your rise above your despair and love life again
Take good care

Log Dog

Thanks again for all the supportive comments.

Today we moved Amanda's horse (Jeffrey) from the flash Equestrian Stables in Henley Brook to (less flash and expensive) retirement Paddocks in Gidgegannup. Jeffrey is now in a large shaded Paddock with 6 other horses including an old buddy from the Henley bBook Stables who really likes Jeffrey. I met the woman that runs the retirement paddocks side of the property and was really impressed with her horse empathy and I'm sure Amanda would have been fine with her.

Lots of bitter sweet memories including the time and passion Amanda had for Horses flashed through my brain. Amanda and I had previously discussed such as solution for Jeffrey as Amanda was no longer able to ride. Despite this it was another hard thing that had to be done.

Bob

Such memories can be wonderful: They can be painful: Or they can be both. I hope you get to the stage where you can be accepting all of those emotions without troubling you unduly. I think that for many people it is a long path, but it should be the goal. A comparable situation (but not the wife: She is alive and kicking ) has taken me twenty five years. This is mainly because I ignored it rather than dealing with it. I think you have the capacity to do better than me.

You are in my thoughts.

Regards
Paul

Hi Bob,

Like a few other members I have only just come across this thread and am so very sorry that you lost your Amanda so suddenly, reading through the thread I am sure it makes a number of members think about their own relationships and how we take life for granted with our loved ones.

I trust that you will find a meaning to your live without Amanda being in it, like my mum used to say when someone close died "it's alright for them it's the ones they leave behind"

I guess you need to find some activity that keeps your mind active in a positive way.

Regards

Nigel

After humming and aahing over this I have started the process of getting some professional help.
I have managed to get an appointment with a highly recommend clinical psychologist in about a months time.
Just getting any appointment is very difficult these days as most of them are booked out some 6-8 months ahead.
I spoke to the psych for about 15 minutes on the phone and she seems highly empathetic.
Just getting an appointment brings a small amount of relief.

Bad day today.
Border Collie #2 rolled in a big yellow Poo smearing the whole of her right side from her tail to the tip of her ear.

When I got home from the dog walk Amanda’s horse riding buddy was waiting to tell me that Amanda’s horse was found dead in the retirement herd paddock this morning. He was fine last night when they checked those horses. There was not a mark on him and no marks on the ground to indicate any threshing around so it was probably a heart attack so mercifully quick. I didn't care that much about the horse - just wanted to do the right thing by Amanda, but it re-triggered my Amanda grief which I had been doing failry well at for the past week or so. On a more positive note that's the end of that black hole for money.

Then I went to the GP to set up my Mental Health Plan - a bit of raking over old wounds but necessary.
When I got home there was a set of Psych forms to fit out - also confronting but strongly cathartic.

Then I got a call from the bank to say that Amanda's Deceased estate financial forms that my son (as coexecutor) and I had spent 2.5 hours waiting t the band to get sorted out Monday were not filled out properly and we have to go in and do them AGAIN !!!!

This evening I going with a couple of green thumbed mates to a Bonsai ssication meeting.
Not that I'm interested in Bonsai - I just need to get out of the house for a bit of NOW time.