Thread: SWMBO has departed this mortal coil

Found this really good book on grief called "Its OK that you're not OK" by Megan Devine.
Its by far the best book (by by a LONG way) I've read on grief.
It basically shows why grief is one of the most poorly handled and mismanaged emotion in all societies.
It's for anyone who has experienced grief or is supporting someone that is experiencing grief.
What to write or not write on condolence cards, ie avoid platitudes etc
What to say and not to say to people who have experienced grief.
How to provided comfort and support to people who have experienced grief.

This is the only book so far that has started to shine a few faint flickers of light into the walls of that pitch back dark tunnel that is currently my future,

Glad you found this book Bob.
When I was less than 10yrs old I witnessed a younger sibling die traumatically. This came, as I learnt much later in life, at a time when the brain was still developing and had life long consequences with how I perceived and interacted with the world.
Well meaning people would say things like cheer up, you should do this, you should to that, dont be so glum, dont think like that, the worlds not going to end etc.
Never once did anyone say its okay to feel like you do, never once did anyone say that when their loved one died that they too felt lost or alone, never did any one share their own true experience. One could say in the case of my family that that was in part the legacy of the British stiff upper lip. However, I agree, many cultures just dont know how to grieve or support those to grieve in a healthy way.
I wish that someone had said to me its okay to feel lost, alone, angry, devastated, helpless, and many other untold feelings.
It may have have been helpful if someone said I cant tell you how long this grief will take, where you will end up or why this happened.
One thing that did help after some contemplation was thinking as our lives as a long wave originating deep from within the ocean making way toward the shoreline. When it finally breaks upon the shore the wave may no longer be visible but it is still all around us, just absorbed back into the ocean. In a metaphysical kind of way I am comforted by this - but it does not fill the material holes that are left.
Bob, you have poured your soul for all to see - for this I can only admire your bravery and thank you for your honesty.

Thanks FW

According to the book;
The first step to realize is that grief is not a "problem" to be solved, or "overcome" because it cannot be solved or overcome.
Societies ham fisted attempts to "solve" grief has lead to a lot of mentally screwed up people and I can now see this as the start of my Wife's mental illness issues.

Grief is a totally natural process that needs too be borne/carried by the griefee, and accompanied/supported by supporters.
The best one can hope for is with support and over time the edges of grief can be rounded so that any associated loss becomes more accepted - it is rarely ever totally accepted.
Some people can achieved this in less time than others but unfortunately Society expects everyone to "get over it quickly".

Recently I went for coffee with a couple of people I know and both of them knew Amanda.
When one asked me, how I was, I said "not good", there was a stunned silence.
They then proceeded to talk about everything else but how I felt and Manda was not mentioned.
I know it's uncomfortable and some people can't handle it and I don't want to only talk about Amanda or how I feel all the time anyway
All it did for me was make me feel like "a problem". and further marginalized me, so I came away feeling worse than when I arrived.

Then there are those people like a relative, who is herself a widow. All she could say was, "sorry for your loss but you'll get over it"

This is why I'm not going back to the mens shed for any company.
While there are some terrific chaps at the shed who will know what/how to say supportive stuff, but there are alsobe those with all good intentions that do not, and I'm too fragile to cope with that at the moment.

Originally Posted by BobL

What to write or not write on condolence cards, ie avoid platitudes etc
What to say and not to say to people who have experienced grief.

I have not seen that book Bob but I am glad you found it and that it is helping you.

The lines I quoted above reminded me of the well intentioned but cringe-worthy conversations I had with well-meaning people at my wife's funeral and around that time, as well as the equaloloy well intentioned condolence cards. As a society we do indeed deal with death and grieving very poorly.

I hope the book helps you along your own personal journey in your own way.

Originally Posted by BobL

The first step to realize is that grief is not a "problem" to be solved, or "overcome" because it cannot be solved or overcome.

This is good. It would be pretty simple to teach this at school and actually provide some useful life skills.

Originally Posted by BobL

Recently I went for coffee with a couple of people I know and both of them knew Amanda.
When one asked me, how I was, I said "not good", there was a stunned silence.
They then proceeded to talk about everything else but how I felt and Manda was not mentioned.
I know it's uncomfortable and some people can't handle it and I don't want to only talk about Amanda or how I feel all the time anyway
All it did for me was make me feel like "a problem". and further marginalized me, so I came away feeling worse than when I arrived.

That just sucks. I think you have hit one of the nails on the head; most people dont do uncomfortable at all well.

Originally Posted by BobL

Then there are those people like a relative, who is herself a widow. All she could say was, "sorry for your loss but you'll get over it"

As above and what appears to sound like the same for Dougs experience. I wonder if she received the same sort of words after her loss.

Originally Posted by BobL

This is why I'm not going back to the mens shed for any company.
While there are some terrific chaps at the shed who will know what/how to say supportive stuff, but there are alsobe those with all good intentions that do not, and I'm too fragile to cope with that at the moment.

Good. You dont need some people saying or doing dumb . I wish I was given permission to say NO to doing some things or going some places instead of trying to please others. It would have also been good to be given a knowing nod to be miserable, irritable, angry, upset and even given some space to smash some stuff up when the moment was needed.

Some progress.

Earlier this week I remove 6 pieces of Amanda's mothers furniture from the house.
A much needed regular house cleaner started on Tuesday.
Have been doing a bit more of a clean up in the house, found 4 plastic crates full of "stuff" under one of the beds upstairs, and a couple of drawers in a dressing table that are also full of Amanda's mothers bric-a-brac, that needs sorting

Yesterday I went into the shed and did a bit of a clean up - still a lot to do down there.
Then I used the big belt sander to ease the sides of a small drawer that are jamming in an old writing desk.
Apart from cutting up dog bones with the Bandsaw, thats the first time i've done anything associated with wood since Amanda died.

Still feel like $hyte but can see flickers of light ahead.

do you think it will get easier once the great sort through of Amanda's "stuff" is done?

Originally Posted by havabeer69

do you think it will get easier once the great sort through of Amanda's "stuff" is done?

I don't know.
It's very easy to get rid of the stuff that comes from Amanda's mums - or stuff Amanda's mum gave us as I can't bear to look at it.
Stuff from Amanda's Grandmother, or that her Dad restored is harder, but if they serve no useful purpose or it overly clutters up the place then its going.
Most of Amanda's personal stuff is is staying in place for the moment as it contains too many memories but eventually at least some of it will need to reluctantly go.
Two things that need proper homes are her children's book, and her Winnie the Pooh, collections.
The book collection contains a number of author signed first edition books. I don't want these going to just a school
Same for the Winnie the Pooh stuff ,these should both go to collectors
The craft stuff I'm in no rush to dispose of as it needs to go to people who will use it and having it around is still comforting so it wont go anywhere unless someone with a real interest pops out of the wood work.

Some developments.

I used the 3D printer for the first time since Amanda died to print a couple of pieces for a differential for a small LEGO RV that my son is dabbling with. This is a really significant move on my part

I stumbled across a note left by Amanda to contact an old dog walking neighbour/friend who said she would like to catch up with me and our dogs. In the past I only ever saw this neighbour at the park but it turns out she lives on the other side of our city block. She is now a trained psychologist working with disabled people and their carers. We had a very soothing 75 minute chat on the phone and it was like having an extreme long free psych consult.

Yesterday I saw a psychologist recommended by Amanda's psychologist for the first time. And as she came recommended I had some expectations that she would be a good one. Turns out we clicked after about 15 minutes and I think she will be helpful. She let me ramble on for about 40 minutes and then she said "what you have told me sounds like a life long love story". I'd never thought of Amanda's and my story like that before.

I found a treasure trove of 643 emails that Amanda sent me between 1995 until she died. We had sent each other emails from about 1992 to 1994 but these are unfortunately lost. Anyway reading these emails triggered many more memories so the memoir is now 143 pages and still going. Many of these were written when I was travelling (often overseas) for work which if they had been telephone calls would be gone, The messages are bitter/sweet. Apart from reading about all the frustrations with her family, the bullying at her workplace, our social calendar etc the best part are all the little endearments Amnada started and finished her emails with - very loving. What they also show was how much I had helped Amanda with a variety of things, from fixing IT issues, to ways of how to deal with her boss, and our recalcitrant son.It turns out I wasn't as bad as I remember. The many times she came to pick me up at the airport in the early hours of the morning really showed how much she missed me are especially precious.

So some progress.

That's very good progress indeed Bob.

Had my second session with the psych on Monday - not much progress but hey. it's still early days. She asked to read my memoir which will save a lot of time explaining everything.

The past week has seen aa coupe of major grief triggers.

Saturday I went to a nephew's wedding. Got my suit out and found I have lost weight so it was too big so I then got my older (smaller) suit out (last worn about 2005) and found it fits!. Had the suit dry-cleaned, washed and iron a shirt, polished my shoes, found a tie - last worn in 2010? Got through wedding ceremony by meditating with my eyes closed so only saw a few bits and pieces. AT the reception I lasted until the wedding party arrived and then had an overwhelming wave of grief hit me so rather than make a scene I left and went home.

Yesterday, while I was on my way to see a physio about my knees, I stopped off at Amanda's former work place, a private girls school where she was the head librarian for 23 years. Amanda retired from the school under a cloud of stress and bullying at the end of 2015 and had not been back since she left. Whilst cleaning up Amanda's home office I found a couple of Library books from the school and thought I would return them and also take the chance to catch up with some of her former work colleagues, one of which was also a close horse riding buddy of Amanda's. Amanda and I had another close personal connection with the school because it was in the school chapel that we got married some 44 years ago. Whilst walking through the campus to the library I walked past the chapel and front steps down which I remember, clearly like it was yesterday, happily emerging hand in hand as husband and wife 44 years ago. It was really hard to remain calm.

I'm taking a bit of a break for a few days next week and taking the dogs to a friend's farm down south. It is a place where Amanda and I used to visit this farm together just about every year so I 'm not sure how I will go but feel like I have to give it a go.

Bob

We often talk about life being a journey. That road is rarely easy. Yesterday hit a 25 year mile stone for me as our daughter reminded us. It was a distinct uphill section.

My point in mentioning this is there is no quick or easy fix. I like the fact you are out and about. While ever you are participating, I believe that is a good sign in spite of the memories flooding your psyche. You must learn to enjoy these triggers rather than rail against them. Without ever having met Amanda, I would like to think that this is the way she would want you to remember her.

You are in my thoughts as it is clear so many Forum members are also.

Regards
Paul

Staying with some friends on a farm down on the south coast.

Cute rammed earth, ironstone, weatherboard, corrugated iron, and telephone pole/beam house.
Walpole2.jpg

My view from the back patio of Mt Franklin in the distance while having morning coffee.
Walpole.jpg

Farm is right next to a National Park full of smallish Karri trees and lots of nice tracks to walk thru.
Walpole1.jpg

Wildlife everywhere, roos, native nice Dugite snakes and Fairy Wrens galore.
At around 4pm every day a flock of about 2 dozen fair wrens descend on the patio looking for food and some of the gamer ones will come right up and land on your lap.
Getting a photo of them standing still is tricky as they dart around so quickly.
I had to take about 20 photos to get these few.
FIRYWREN.jpg
FIRYWRENs1.jpg
FIRYWRENs2.jpg

Even though I have been here many times before with Amanda its been very recuperative.

Bob, I am glad that you were able to "smell the roses". Your dogs look happy wandering around.
I put out seed for the birds every day. I feel privileged that all sorts come down for us to see.
Hang in there. You are in our thoughts