The Pope in America.

The Pope is currently visiting the USA which brings to mind a visit by one of his predecessors a few years ago.
His plane touched down at 2 am, there was no one at the airport to meet him apart from the limousine driver assigned to drive him to his hotel. The freeway was deserted at that time of the morning and his Holiness asked if he could have a drive of the limo' seeing as it was so quiet. Eventually the driver conceded and swapped places with his Holiness who cranked the limo' and was soon doing 140 mph down the deserted freeway.
Deserted that is except for a speed cop who gave chase but couldn't catch them. The cop called for backup and noted that he was chasing a flash limo' with an important passenger, when queried by the dispatcher as to how he knew the passenger was important he replied, "Well he must be pretty important, the Pope's his driver!"

Last night he went out and found a little cafe.
He asked for a new york steak.
The waiter asked him how he would like it and the pope said rare.
The waiter called out to the kitchen out back, "1 bloody steak".
A bit horrified he told the waiter off for swearing. The waiter explained that it meant he wanted blood in the steak, meaning rare.

Today for lunch he decided to take his entourage to the same cafe for lunch.
On the way they all agreed that rare was the way to go as it was nice and soft to eat.
As they came into the cafe the pope yelled out "5 bloody steaks", The cardinal on his right elbowed the pope in his ribs and said "And plenty of F#@$ing chips".

Later that afternoon the door to Harry's bar opened and in walked the Pope with 2 of his cardinals, closely followed by Hilary Clinton, 7 dwarves, a blonde and 2 chickens. The bar tender looked at them and said "Saaay, what is this - some kinda joke?"

The Pope and two cardinals were on a plane flight and the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle to pass the time.

He looked up to the cardinals and said "I need a four letter word ending in U-N-T - meaning a woman.

One of the cardinals replied " That would be A-U-N-T Aunt."

The pope screwed up his face and said "Oh F*^% it - anyone got an eraser?"

I'm currently in Italy and have done the Vatican bit, but the bloke wasn't there to see me.... bugger.

Dad and Dave are on a world cruise, every day at 12 o'clock, out comes the barby for lunch. This particular day, they're at the Vatican and it's Dave's turn to get some wood, he's on the return leg with an arm full of wood, when he sees Dad setting up the barby who's approached by the Pope who appears to be giving Dad a Blessing, after a minute the Pope walks away. Dave says to Dad did the Pope bless you, "Nah" was his reply "but I saw him Bless you" says Dave "what did he say then". Dad replied "You, your BBQ, and your mate, nick off out of here!!!"

Why does the pope wear underpants in the shower?

He doesn't like to look down on the un-employed.

When Tony Barber went to meet him he waited in the square for 4 days.
Every time the pope went right past him, but on the forth day the pope did go talk to a smelly homeless man.

Tony was a bit cheesed, he was a big TV star in Aus and the pope spoke to Dero's.
Tony followed the dero afterwards and offered him $100 for his clothes, which the dero agreed to.
The fifth day tony was there in the crowd in the dero's clothes and sure enough the pope headed right towards him.
As the pope came towards Tony was sure he was going to get blessed.
The Pope came up and grabbed the back of Tony's head pulled him forward and whispered into his ear,
"I thought I told you yesterday to bugger off and not come back".