More Funnies

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

***********************************************************************************

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my Wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied, "You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

***********************************************************************************

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, And probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mum Test'
You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'Oh....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the dad.'
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

***********************************************************************************

Cowboy: "Well, I suppose you've been all right. You've been a decent horse, I guess. A bit slow sometimes, but a decent horse, and..."
Horse: "No, you idiot! I didn't ask you for FEEDBACK! I said I wanted my FEEDBAG!"

***********************************************************************************

A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, “Why the wooden leg?”
The farmer replies, “That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school.”
“Great, but why the wooden leg?”
“The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy.”
“Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?”
“Well when you have a pig that smart you don’t eat it all at once!”

***********************************************************************************

A blonde was selling her car so thought to take it into the garage for some maintenance...
So the guy gives her car an oil change, checks everything out and tunes it up. He then tells her, 'hey I also rolled back the odometer to 50,000 so it might be easier for you to sell the car'.
A few months later the blonde drives the car back into the garage and asks for an oil change... so the guy says 'I thought you were selling the car?'
The blonde says, 'Are you kidding? It's only got 50,000 miles on it now!'

***********************************************************************************