So you want to build a deck?
An old yarn I recently re-discovered.
Once upon a time, young Groggy thought "why not build a new deck"? And SWMBO agreed.
But first, we need a pergola to cover it, so I built one, then painted it, then realised the rest of the house didn't match, so painted the gutters and trim all over the house to match the pergola. During this process, I notice it's a pain to empty all the tools out of the shed to make room to do any work, so I built another shed to store stuff and now the shop *is mine* (and shopdogs).
Now, before the deck goes in, the yard has to be levelled to achieve the right height for the steps. Do you know how many shovels it takes to manually move 8 yards of earth - but I digress. So, the clothesline is in the way, and SWMBO *must* have a clothesline. The clothesline is temporarily installed under the pergola (ok, ok, the deck is going there - just don't ask). Before the yard is levelled a retaining wall must be built, but first the sprinklers have to go in - did I mention the sprinklers?
They need a trench, so, trench no 1 is dug to install lines for sprinklers - 25 yards x 22" by hand. Half way through trench Groggy thinks "this is bullsh*t", unfortunately - it was thought out loud. SWMBO says "Stop now and you're a dead man!" Newly invigorated - work continued. Finally, time for the all brick retaining wall, and Groggy actually gets it right the second time around. Move dirt from Pile-A back to the backyard. Somehow, there is less dirt than before, dunno how, just thanked the Lord there was less this time. What's that? You want a footpath to the clothesline? You never had one before and <notices the="" look=""> - Oh, yes dear, how wide?
In goes the path. Time to pull up all the pavers because they are now at the wrong height and don't match the back yard levels. So, pavers-up and move them - this was a very heavy pile of square rocks, of course, now the pavers are up I can put in the drain I've *so* wanted outside the shop. So! Up comes the tundra and in goes the drain - more digging.
By now my shoulder has given in, and I have to swing the pick with my left arm but, the drain is in! In the process I found the electrical feed to the shop - hmmm <thinks>. In goes another 20 yard ditch to upgrade the shop feed from 15 amp to 30. By now the yard looks like the gopher scene from
Caddyshack and the wife is having a calf, the dog doesn't trust me any more and I notice there is no drain under the tap - oh no! - 25 yards to the stormwater - bugger!
Off I go again! Whilst I am digging the drain I notice that the lawn outside doesn't get any water and there is another feed available on the tap - hmm, another 10 yards - and through the backyard of death plowed Groggy.
So, that's where I am now. Winter is coming and the backyard from hell lies before me. The wife has packed the bags for the kids and herself and all I can think of to mutter is "but Darling, I built you a clothesline outta the rain!!!" I think the dog got buried, but I occasionally hope she just ran away and may reappear one day. People cruise past just to look, like I had Christmas
lights up or something, and if the dirt flies higher than the fence, they cheer. Anyway, the really hard work is done and shortly it will all go back together and I can build the deck.
Did I mention I rewired the shop somewhere between the drains and retaining walls and the new power feed trench? And did I mention that the roof was repainted and the tiles replaced because some were cracked when the pergola went up? No?
Next year I want to do some small changes to the front yard.</thinks></notices>
