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  1. THANK YOU Me (or at least the back of my head) as MC...

    Me (or at least the back of my head) as MC conducting the Dawn Parade to a crowd of about 4000. The bloke seated third from left is our PM Chris Hipkins. The press were out in force and this was the...
  2. THANK YOU Just had the honour to act as MC for our local...

    Just had the honour to act as MC for our local Dawn Service attended by our PM. A marvellous turnout and very moving ceremony.
    Lest We Forget,
    Pete
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    Everybody needs good neighbours

    A bloke's in court accused of murdering his wife. As the clerk of the court is reading out the charge against him someone in the public gallery shouts out "You b*%#@*d!"
    The judge looks up and...
  4. Thread: Omg.

    by woodhutt
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    Hang your head in shame! Happy New Year, crocy.:U

    Hang your head in shame!
    Happy New Year, crocy.:U
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    Sorry to hear of your loss, Bob. It brought home...

    Sorry to hear of your loss, Bob. It brought home to me just how much I would miss my own dear partner of 52 years.
    Your advice to say all those things now that you always mean to say and never get...
  6. Thread: Announcement

    by woodhutt
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    Announcement

    Just to let everyone know that the operation to transition from male to female went off without a hitch.

    I know it was successful as it took me three hours to reverse out of the hospital car park.
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    No darned gratitude. I give you some of my best...

    No darned gratitude. I give you some of my best material and this is what I get.

    Pete
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    Time for bed...

    A furniture salesman returns from a trip to Paris where he'd attended an International Furniture Exhibition. At his local, a mate asked him how his trip went.
    "Marvelous!" said the salesman. "I...
  9. Recycling at its best. Keep safe. Pete

    Recycling at its best.
    Keep safe.
    Pete
  10. Thread: Blind Faith

    by woodhutt
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    Blind Faith

    A bloke about to make his first sky dive finds himself sitting next to a blind man in the plane. He comments how brave the chap must be to sky dive given his condition and asks how he copes.
    "Quite...
  11. Thread: Obituary

    by woodhutt
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    Don't forget to give me your vote in the "Guru of...

    Don't forget to give me your vote in the "Guru of Groan" competition. :U
    Pete
  12. Thread: Obituary

    by woodhutt
    Replies
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    Obituary

    The death in a New York nursing home of musician and composer Larry LaPrise was announced today.
    LaPrise is credited with writing the popular novelty song and dance, "The Hokey Cokey" (or "Hokey...
  13. Thread: Per Ardua

    by woodhutt
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    Actually, it was a great disappointment when our...

    Actually, it was a great disappointment when our grandson failed the entrance exam. We had hoped he would carry on the family's air force connection first started by his Great Uncle who was credited...
  14. Thread: Per Ardua

    by woodhutt
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    I've got to be in with a chance! Is anyone...

    I've got to be in with a chance!
    Is anyone running a book?
    Pete
  15. Thread: Per Ardua

    by woodhutt
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    541

    Per Ardua

    My Grandson just failed the entrance exam to the Air Force.

    He told them that he thought the bomb bay doors were an Indian tribute band.

    Pete
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    There's nothing wrong with your memory. :U You...

    There's nothing wrong with your memory. :U

    You must mean this one:
    509393509394

    Apologies once again for the sideways view. I'll try to figure out what I'm doing wrong.
    Cheers,
    Pete
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    Coincidence or foresight?

    Absolutely no disrespect intended to the late great S.W. but I thought I'd share this coincidence.

    First, it should be remembered that S.W. was, at one time, nicknamed 'Fatty'.
    Second, there was...
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    It was my wife's birthday recently and I...

    It was my wife's birthday recently and I suggested we go for a meal.
    She said she wanted to go somewhere really expensive so I took her for a pie at the local filling station.
    Pete
  19. Thread: Culture wars

    by woodhutt
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    Quite possibly, but it won't be the rich(er)...

    Quite possibly, but it won't be the rich(er) Western countries that go without in the event of a global shortage.
    Pete
  20. Thread: Culture wars

    by woodhutt
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    I stand corrected although, even making a total...

    I stand corrected although, even making a total of only +/-15% of global wheat production unavailable would have a huge impact.

    To address the original question of culture wars, I think that is a...
  21. Thread: Culture wars

    by woodhutt
    Replies
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    Perhaps as much, if not more, worrying than...

    Perhaps as much, if not more, worrying than Russia's nuclear sabre rattling is that between them, Russia and the Ukraine produce something like a quarter of the world's wheat. If this is disrupted...
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    Get ready with the Groan buttons

    My doctor said I had to give up the drink and ciggies.
    It's going to be a hard break.
    He's been my doctor for 15 years.

    My wife screamed and said, "There's a spider in the sink! Take it out!"...
  23. Thread: Harder

    by woodhutt
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    Not the beer Crocy. It must be the bathtub gin I...

    Not the beer Crocy. It must be the bathtub gin I made during lockdown. :U
    Pete
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    Seamus and Murphy

    Seamus and Murphy are at work one morning on a construction site. "I fancy a day off," says Seamus. "The races are on at Caharciveen."
    "The foreman will never let you go," says Murphy.
    Seamus...
  25. Thread: Harder

    by woodhutt
    Replies
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    There was no charge for this joke. If you want...

    There was no charge for this joke. If you want quality, you'll have to pay.:U
  26. Thread: Harder

    by woodhutt
    Replies
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    Harder

    I took the dog for a walk last night and he ran off. I spent hours searching before I gave up and went home and told the wife. "You should look harder," she said.
    So I shaved my head and got a...
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    RIP Shane Warne

    Shane Warne has passed away aged 52 from a suspected heart attack. He will be particularly remembered for his "ball of the century" against Mike Gatting.
    A great cricketer.

    Pete
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    The Brown Paper Kid

    Scene: The Old West.
    A Federal Marshall bursts through the batwing doors of a saloon with six gun drawn and stares around before relaxing and going up to the bar.
    "I'm looking for the Brown Paper...
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    Welcome hanilein from a neighbour on the North...

    Welcome hanilein from a neighbour on the North Island. Lots of good advice to be had here and don't forget to post pics of your work when you're ready.
    Pete
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    A priest, a vicar...

    A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a Blood Donor Clinic.

    "What blood group are you?" the nurse asks the rabbit.

    "I'm not sure," says the rabbit. "I think I must be a type O."
  31. Thread: Horror scope

    by woodhutt
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    Horror scope

    A bloke has just had a rather intimate examination by his doctor and asks him if he can look forward to a long and healthy life.
    "I doubt it," says the Doc. "Mercury is in Uranus."
    "Oh, I don't...
  32. Thread: Cat's Eyes

    by woodhutt
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    Cat's Eyes

    Did you know that the cat's eyes reflectors marking road centre lines were invented by Percy Shaw of Halifax in Yorkshire when he noticed how a cat's eyes shone in the dark when reflecting...
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    Thanks for the reply Chief. I've taken another...

    Thanks for the reply Chief. I've taken another look at the heads and believe I can just make out what appears to be two small dowels joining the two pieces but no sign of glue residue. No glue was...
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    Calling All Coopers

    I've been asked to repair/reassemble a small oak keg that once contained bourbon. It had been left empty for some time and the wood has dried out and the keg fell apart when it was dropped.
    {Don't...
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    You can think what you like about Australians but...

    You can think what you like about Australians but they certainly know how to return a Serb.:roll:
    Pete
  36. Thread: Retirement.

    by woodhutt
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    I'm a bit late Vann but welcome to the Retirement...

    I'm a bit late Vann but welcome to the Retirement Club. You are now officially an old codger and entitled to grouse. :U
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    I particularly liked this one about Novax...

    I particularly liked this one about Novax Djocovid.

    506325
  38. Thread: Panic buying

    by woodhutt
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    5,214

    Not sure about lockdowns but there is certainly a...

    Not sure about lockdowns but there is certainly a case for grabbing what you want asap due to supply chain problems.
    I need a new cordless drill and want one using Li-ion batteries. (My old one has...
  39. Thread: The Dipso

    by woodhutt
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    The Dipso

    (Not sure where I got this so apologies if it's already been posted.)

    An elderly dipso staggers into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirit.

    "I'm not selling you meth!" the...
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    From the initial reports I've read (from the S....

    From the initial reports I've read (from the S. African doctor who identified it in her patients), it appears that, while the Omicron variant may be more virulent i.e. transmissible, it seems to be...
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    Packets of three

    I thought that title might grab your attention but this is about a marketing ploy that makes me wild. I'm refurbishing a table for my son's barbie area and the legs are secured to the top with...
  42. Thread: Marching Fern

    by woodhutt
    Replies
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    175

    Marching Fern

    With Armistice/Remembrance Day nearly upon us, I just wanted to share the memorial design that appears on my local RSA's polo shirts.

    503419

    Designed by local Wellingtonian Chris Hay, it...
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    I may have said this in an earlier post. One...

    I may have said this in an earlier post. One current medical concern is the possibility of new variants emerging from those who are (for whatever reason) not vaccinated and which variants might...
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    The latest thinking is that, the higher the...

    The latest thinking is that, the higher the vaccination rate, the lower the risk of new variants emerging, variants which could have a more severe impact on those already vaccinated.
    This is an...
  45. Thread: Embarrassing

    by woodhutt
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    Embarrassing

    Went shopping the other day. The young lady assistant serving me said "Strip down facing me." It was too late when I realised she was talking about my Debit Card...:B
    Pete
  46. Thread: Grandson

    by woodhutt
    Replies
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    477

    Grandson

    I took my grandson to the pub for the first time yesterday. First I bought him a Guiness but he didn't like that so I drank it. Then I bought him a Fosters but he didn't like that either so I drank...
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    Derek. Would this product be durable enough for a...

    Derek. Would this product be durable enough for a dining table top and applied over a stain?
    Pete
  48. Thread: Pun

    by woodhutt
    Replies
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    1,674

    I asked SWMBO if she could contribute anything to...

    I asked SWMBO if she could contribute anything to this post. We share a tite bond when it comes to our chosen hobbies (although she looks on woodworking as more of a vise). Unfortunately, shellacs...
  49. Thread: Pun

    by woodhutt
    Replies
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    1,674

    It's plane you failed dismally. Pete

    It's plane you failed dismally.
    Pete
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    Here are some pics of the next steps in...

    Here are some pics of the next steps in refinishing the top. The first shows the top partially stripped and that was a major as the finish seems to have been poured on rather than brushed or wiped....
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