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Type: Posts; User: Allan at Wallan

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    Library problems

    I drecently made friends with a very attractive librarian and asked her
    out for a nice evening.

    Two weeks later I got fined for returning her late.
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    Sorry about that - I mint to type "coins" … now...

    Sorry about that - I mint to type "coins" … now amended.
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    Spy at the Royal Mint

    Last Christmas I got a job at the Royal Mint as a spy. I had to watch over
    fellow employees in case they decided to take a few coins.

    I must have done a good job as they presented me with a...
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    Sorry Keith, will not be sending it to you as I...

    Sorry Keith, will not be sending it to you as I don't like to boil my cabbages twice (lol).
    Where have you been lately ... no emails for ages.
    Are you well?

    Alan
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    Mother me.

    When I was in my teens I went out with a girl and
    asked her to "mother" me.

    Imagine my surprise when she spat on her handkerchief
    and wiped behind my ears with it.
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    Pope visits Wallan

    The Pope visited Wallan recently and intended handing out miracles
    to the local youngsters.
    Billy, a 16 year old, asked, "Can you help me with my hearing?"
    The Pope answered, "Yes", put his hands...
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    Sorry, should have mentioned, I had been trying...

    Sorry, should have mentioned, I had been trying to get her on the phone but to no avail.
    She had been away visiting friends and could not speak to her until she returned.
    You may be right about...
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    No sleep last night

    One of my established Facebook friends sent me a "Friend Request" which seemed a little strange as we were already friends.
    I accepted her request and thought no more of it. Strangely I received a...
  9. Thread: Cows

    by Allan at Wallan
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    I worked for a farmer who had a cow named Effie....

    I worked for a farmer who had a cow named Effie.
    He called it Strawberry for short.
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    Surplus chairs

    A friend came to my home the other day and was astounded at the
    number of chairs I had throughout the place.
    He asked if I was building up a collection.

    I replied, "No, I have had many visits to...
  11. Thread: Cows

    by Allan at Wallan
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    What would you call a cow with mixed feelings on...

    What would you call a cow with mixed feelings on it's gender?

    A cow boy.
  12. Too late, bets closed almost four years ago (lol).

    Too late, bets closed almost four years ago (lol).
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    A very warm welcome to you Tom. As you live in...

    A very warm welcome to you Tom. As you live in the Northern part of Melbourne you may consider visiting us
    at the Northern Woodturners Club in Browning St Kingsbury. We are located within a...
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    Just to make amends ... a friend of mine was...

    Just to make amends ... a friend of mine was killed the other day when a train ran over his
    finger ... it just happened he was scratching his ear at the time.
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    I think that is the same greyhound that I saw in...

    I think that is the same greyhound that I saw in which his owner
    painted a picture of a bus on him.
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    Whoops! Just reading other jokes and notice...

    Whoops! Just reading other jokes and notice Chief Tiff has used this in his response.
    My apologies mate … did not see yours until after I had posted mine.
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    Ahhh, there are usually three rings involved....

    Ahhh, there are usually three rings involved.
    The engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the dreaded suffering.
  18. Thread: Vegans

    by Allan at Wallan
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    Vegans

    A bloke recently said to me, "Men who sell meat are gross"
    I replied, "Men who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer".
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    Have hardly been on the Forum lately and just...

    Have hardly been on the Forum lately and just noticed this thread.
    Thank you for your best wishes.
    Alan
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    Kryn, Have faith in me mate (lol).

    Kryn, Have faith in me mate (lol).
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    Faith healer meeting

    I went to a meeting with friends to a faith healer last night.
    He was so boring three blokes in wheelchairs got up and ran home.

    :doh:
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    Tangle with the law

    The local cop pulled me over the other night and bellowed at me, "Get out of the car, NOW".
    I replied, "I'm too drunk, would you mind getting in instead"?

    :D:;:D
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    What a great result. Congratulations on your...

    What a great result.
    Congratulations on your determination and persistence … well done!
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    Not before time. Now get to it and contribute...

    Not before time.

    Now get to it and contribute again!
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    Alligators

    I read the other day that alligators can grow
    up to 15 feet.

    The ones I have seen only have 4.
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    Good onya Kryn! I know it weighed 13.25kg as I...

    Good onya Kryn!

    I know it weighed 13.25kg as I checked the scales on it's back as I was reeling it in.
    :U

    Gotcha!
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    I am disappointed ... no one has taken the bait...

    I am disappointed ... no one has taken the bait yet.
    :U
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    Kilmore art expo 2019

    Time again for Northern Woodturners Club to join in the fun by having a sales table at
    the annual Kilmore Art Expo.

    It is being held Friday night, April 12th from 6pm then on Saturday 13th and...
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    Giant snapper caught.

    Whilst out fishing in Port Phillip Bay recently I was using a relatively light kit
    which included 2kg strain line.
    I managed to catch a monster snapper which weighed 13.25 kgs but unfortunately...
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    What a magnificent result. Love the grain and it...

    What a magnificent result.
    Love the grain and it blends in nicely with the Cigar kit.
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    Welcome David, What part of Melbourne do you...

    Welcome David,

    What part of Melbourne do you reside in?
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    Congratulations Brad - magnificent result. I...

    Congratulations Brad - magnificent result.
    I have found Horistes Burl to be very hard on the chisels
    but obviously you have finished it perfectly.
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    We all need good knees.

    Twelve months ago I was wheeling my wheelbarrow backwards out of the woodshed and failed to notice my aluminium ladder in the way.
    I got tangled up with it where my left leg was scissored in it and...
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    Sorry to hear of their passing. I did not know...

    Sorry to hear of their passing. I did not know Fred (aka Gary) but have met Rodney (Rodent) on a couple of occasions.
    We have lost five members of our club in recent times which is concerning but...
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    Stay safe you chaps. What a crazy country we...

    Stay safe you chaps. What a crazy country we live in with floods, fires and dust storms to contend with.
    Hope you are out of harm's way.
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    Welcxome to the Forum Brent. You will find...

    Welcxome to the Forum Brent. You will find heaps of knowledgeable woodturners on here willing to give you info
    as you get into the hobby. It is many years since I visited Mortlake but would...
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    See what you started Kryn - you gave us a lead...

    See what you started Kryn - you gave us a lead for dog jokes.
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    Food costs.

    Just to let you know:
    A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00.
    However the same sized slice in the Bahamas is $2.50.
    These are the "Pie rates of the Caribbean".
    :B
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    A very warm welcome to you Mick - you live in a...

    A very warm welcome to you Mick - you live in a fabulous part of the world.
    I was most impressed when visiting there years ago with all the murals on display.
    Enjoy this Forum - they are a great...
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    The better proposition would have been to join a...

    The better proposition would have been to join a local woodturning club where you would get sensible advice on the brand and quality of lathes,
    the proper choice of quality chisels and be taught to...
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    This is all too confusing. If daylight saving...

    This is all too confusing.
    If daylight saving starts to affect our blinds then it's curtains for us.
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    Thank your for your responses - I have followed...

    Thank your for your responses - I have followed them up without success, however I may be in luck at the Victorian Hobby Centre at 21 Swanston St
    in Melbourne. I did try to get there on Thursday...
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    I'll keep a watch out for you punsters.

    I'll keep a watch out for you punsters.
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    Brass square tubing

    Looking for a small length of brass square tubing
    8mm outer - 6mm inner.
    Did not think it would be hard to find but wearing my fingers out on
    the phone and using plenty of petrol driving around....
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    Might pay to examine your choice of chisel,...

    Might pay to examine your choice of chisel, method of presentation to the wood,
    as you might be too aggressive. Sharp chisels are a definite advantage.
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    After much hassling I have Windows 10, Word &...

    After much hassling I have Windows 10, Word & Windows 2016 and my FujiXerox all working ok.
    Scanner does not want to cooperate but that is not the end of the world.
    Interestingly the computer shop...
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    Welcome aboard. I live in Wallan (about 35 mins...

    Welcome aboard.
    I live in Wallan (about 35 mins away).
    Lots to learn on this site - great group of people.
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    Cop that

    A policeman knocked on my door last night and sternly asked me,
    "Where were you between 5 and 6"?

    Although he looked a little irritated I answered, "Probably at kindergarten".

    Gee those batons...
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    Hi boo53, What part of Central Victoria are...

    Hi boo53,

    What part of Central Victoria are you located.

    Alan
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    I will make a trunk call and find out.

    I will make a trunk call and find out.
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