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Thread: What to do about mum!
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16th March 2018, 11:57 AM #31.
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16th March 2018, 01:03 PM #32
reminds me of this clip https://youtu.be/Twivg7GkYts
to inject a lighter noteregards from Alberta, Canada
ian
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16th March 2018, 02:04 PM #33
Bob my mother has advanced dementia...no longer recognises me as an adult but strangely remembers me as a baby
She apparently asks the nursing staff if I am in my crib and sleeping ...her mind is deeply rooted in the past,not the present!
Visiting her now is quite confronting and emotional for me...takes me some time to recover unfortunately
She is stuck in a place of bleakness...surrounded by folk with similar problems
It is a world devoid of joy or hope sadly...4 walls and a bed,that's it!
She achieved great things in her life and travelled the world
Dementia is akin to walking into a wall...one advances no further
She loved gardening with a passion...just like your Mum does
Afford her the luxury to 'potter' in the garden Bob...and allow her to over water it...if the plants die,get her new ones...she's worth it!
ALL Mums are worthy...cherish the little time you have with her...no matter the inconvenience...no matter the irritation
She's your Mum!
Nursing homes are an absolute LAST resort I.M.O
Wish her and of course your family the very best in dealing with your Mum's health going forward
HOME is where the heart is...MMMapleman
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16th March 2018, 03:10 PM #34.
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Thanks fellas.
Well I did it and there was no drama.
Yesterday an elderly relative passed away and all mum wanted to talk about was that. After about 15 minutes of this I told her about the move next week. She was quiet for about 10 seconds and then went straight back to talking about the elderly relative. I proffered a few simple reasons for the move and how we would support her with it, but mum didn't really engage.
Then we talked about the same old time stuff she talked about on Wednesday for an hour or so over a cup of tea before I had to go.
Some of the stories are quite amazing, like, during WWII, hiding the AWOL cousin from the Germans under her mum's bed while the partisans and germans had a ding dong shooting match outside their farmhouse. Fortunately the germans chased after the partisans and the cousin escaped that time. Eventually the cousin was captured and hung from a lamp post in town. The nearby village that was burned to the ground with the entire population take away in cattle trucks never to be seen again after a german officer was shot by the partisans while driving through the village. And lots more.
I'm not sure the move has really sunk in yet. We'll find out as soon as some of the practicalities need to be discussed.
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16th March 2018, 03:49 PM #35
Bob, unfortunately I don't think there is anything to be discussed with your mum.
Either the move into care is for your sister's respite or it's permanent. From what you have conveyed, you and your sibling's intention is that the move is permanent.
Your mum will be able to take a limited quantity of stuff with her, but in reality, the rest of it will need to be disposed of.regards from Alberta, Canada
ian
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16th March 2018, 06:42 PM #36.
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I agree - one cannot have a rational discussion with mum. I used the term "discussed" as a general term for mum initiating anything related to the move. We can say things to mum but until she speaks about the topic in her own words we have no idea if it has sunk in. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it registers as completely different to what we intended and other times we might as well have been talking in Chinese.
Mum's thoughts and concerns often are often dominated by her stuff. Whether mum understands or not we have to give her a chance to suggest what stuff she wants to take, which will be different tomorrow, and the day after that, and two weeks down the track. Initially my sisters will choose most of the stuff anyway.
Either the move into care is for your sister's respite or it's permanent. From what you have conveyed, you and your sibling's intention is that the move is permanent.
Your mum will be able to take a limited quantity of stuff with her, but in reality, the rest of it will need to be disposed of.
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16th March 2018, 06:55 PM #37
BobL, I wish you well. Maybe tell mum she is going on a holiday at a special resort.
To BobL and other posters, thank you for bring up the subject and talking about it. There is no simple or easy solution. Eveyone ages differently. I hope I remain with healthy mind and body.
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16th March 2018, 09:08 PM #38.
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I wish.
I just found out that after I left telling mum, mum must have finally put two and two together and then laid verbally into the carer sister, left, right and centre.
There's no winners here
To BobL and other posters, thank you for bring up the subject and talking about it. There is no simple or easy solution. Eveyone ages differently. I hope I remain with healthy mind and body.
One of the worst thing for me was going to the Alzheimer workshops and hearing about the numbers of early onset Alzheimers patients that are cropping up. About half the carers attending the workshops we're looking after family members that were less than 50 years old.
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16th March 2018, 10:48 PM #39
Definitely a no-win scenario.
A year and a half after her being admitted to the aged care facility, Dad still visits Mum every day. Even though she cannot get out of bed without assistance, every day she tells Dad that she is better than him and he is the one that should be in there. Dad is still living independently with minimal assistance and still has all his marbles at 87 and she can't sit up n bed without assistance but she still wants out of there.I'm doing my May Challenge - I may or may not give a #*c&
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16th March 2018, 11:47 PM #40.
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Sorry to hear about your mum/dad Doug.
The phone calls, emails and SMSs have been running thick and fast between the siblings this evening. Just gotta help my carer sister get through the next few days.
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17th March 2018, 05:28 PM #41
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17th March 2018, 07:21 PM #42.
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17th March 2018, 08:22 PM #43
Hope things improve mate. It’s a no win situation but from the sounds of things is the right move for your mums well being. If you need my ute or another pair of hands for moving stuff just give me a shout, you’ve helped me out more times than I can count so happy to help.
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17th March 2018, 09:14 PM #44.
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18th March 2018, 12:20 PM #45
Thanks BobL for bringing up this subject...in comparison to other experiences here, I am only at the start of my Mum's journey. She is 88, lives alone and can still take care of herself but the signs have been there for about a year now.
Repeating the same story over and over within a half hour visit, confusion when paying bills and phone calls with her feeling sad and lonely (I visit her every day as I only live 2 minutes away). I know it is a one way trip and it will only get worse but my sister and I have the attitude that one small step at a time may be best.
She talks about being a burden to me but that is not the case, whatever she wants is OK with me. After several times of attempting phone banking and messing it up, she rings me in tears and tells me she has stuffed and up. I tell her that there is not a problem and I can sort it out. Luckily she realises that her memory is fading and confusion is often so she willingly agreed just last week for me to have access to her bank account so that I can do the Bill paying over the internet and she never has to worry about whether the bill is paid on time.
I feel for yourself and especially your carer sister. My mum has sworn that she never wants family to take her in as she had to put up with her MIL living in our house for about 15 years and doesn't want to foist that on her children.
All the best for you and your family and I can only think that tackling each problem that arises in small steps may be the way to go. Major changes quickly can cause major confusion for your Mum.